As I told you, we have Hayden this weekend.
I've tried to soak in every minute.
Savor every moment with him.
It's hard.
I can't lie.
As I walked through the preschool building to get him from Sunday School this morning, I got a lump in my throat and felt like I had been kicked in the gut and couldn't breath.
I had tears streaming down my cheeks.
I try so very hard to hold myself together.
I really, really do.
I mean, I can't tell you how hard I try.
I've always been the strong one, the one everybody else leans on, but it's just so overwhelming.
Basically all through the service this morning, he wanted to sit in my lap.
I hold him and as I nuzzle against his neck and he wraps his arms around mine I can't lie, I'm hurting, I question God, "Why, Why does it have to be this way?"
Our Sunday School lesson this morning couldn't have come at a better time.
Once again, God knows what we need, when we need it.
We studied in Mark about Jairus, whose daughter was dying.
The story goes like this.....
Jairus fell at Jesus' feet and begged him to touch his daughter and heal her.
There were some that said, "Your daughter is dead. There is no need to bother the Teacher anymore."
BUT.....
Jesus didn't pay any attention to them.
His focus was on Jairus.
His words to Jairus, "Don't be afraid; just believe."
Did you get that?
Jesus said, "Don't be afraid; just believe."
Then Jesus goes to Jairus' house where He finds a large number of people crying and making a lot of noise.
Jesus asks them why they are making so much noise because Jairus' daughter is not dead, only sleeping.
They laugh at Jesus.
He throws them out.
Then He takes the child's Mother and Father, along with Peter, James, and John to see the girl.
He takes her hand and says to her, "Young girl, I tell you to stand up!"
At once, she stood up and began walking.
At. Once.
I love this story.
See, Jairus was begging Jesus for his daughter's life.
There was no bargaining, or negotiations.
Simply begging, and pleading.
A desperate, heartbroken Father begging for his daughter's life.
Sounds sorta, kinda familiar.
I've been begging and pleading.
God, Jairus, and I share something in common.
God knows what it's like to lose a child.
Let me say that again, God know what it's like to lose a child.
Have you ever really thought about that?.
He knew how Jairus felt because He had been there.
He knows how I feel because He's been there.
He gave His Son.
How his heart must have broken.
Jairus' heart was broken.
My heart is broken.
Jesus asked TOLD Jairus not to be afraid and just believe.
He told him to SEE the UNSEEN.
The same with me.
He tells me not to be afraid and believe.
I have a choice.
I can either see the hurt or The Healer.
I'm trying so hard to stay focused on The Healer.
It's times like now, when I know our time with him is coming to an end that my eyes begin to well up with tears.
Don't be afraid, just believe.
Don't.
Be.
Afraid.
Just.
Believe.
Love you MUCH!
=],
I'm thankful for friends.
Today, I had the pleasure of eating lunch with a sweet friend.
It was wonderful to be able to talk and share my feelings without hearing all the things I spoke of here.
God truly does know EXACTLY what we need, when we need it.
He knew I needed you in my life.
Thank you, Jamie, for being a Friend, a non-judgmental, supportive Friend, whose vocabulary doesn't include, "What's the big deal?", "You will still get to see him some", "It will be ok.", or "It will all work out".
Thank you for listening, for knowing it doesn't always work out, it's not always ok and that winning the consolation prize isn't really winning.
You will never know how much you mean to me.
Love you MUCH!
=],
Since this all started with Hayden, we have had NUMEROUS people call us, checking on us.
You have left precious comments on my blog, my Facebook wall, and sent text messages to my phone.
You have supported me in unfathomable ways.
You've let me cry.
You held me as I've cried.
You've even cried with me.
You've listened as I've screamed and didn't pass judgment when I stomped my feet in classic temper tantrum fashion.
You have called me out when I'd lie and say, "I'm ok" or when I would attempt to retreat in my shell.
You told me it was ok to be angry.
You have prayed countless prayers to the Father on our behalf.
You have prayed for me when I couldn't pray for myself.
You hold a special place in my heart and will never know how much I appreciate each of you.
However, there are some of you who haven't been as kind.
This post is for you.
You that have asked, "What is the big deal?"
Answer:
The big deal is we are talking about a CHILD, NOT A PIECE OF FURNITURE. A child we have raised. A blond haired boy that calls me Mom.
You have said, "He's NOT yours, you should want him be with his mother".
Answer:
Giving birth to a child doesn't automatically make you a Mom. A REAL Mother puts her wants and needs aside for what is best for her child. A REAL Mother will do whatever she has to do to protect her child, provide for her child and will love and nurture her child. My heart has no idea I didn't give birth to him.
You have said, "You should be happy she wants him."
Answer:
Happy? Happy she is taking him from the only stable environment he has ever known? Happy she is taking him away from his family? Happy she is unable to provide for him? Happy? Really?
You have said, "You will still get to see him some."
Answer:
Some? That is not a consolation prize. I don't want some. I want my baby boy back where he belongs, AT HOME. I want to tuck him in at night, I want to hear his laugh. I want him running out to my car when I get home from work.
You have said, "It will be ok."
Answer:
You know this how? It's certainly not ok now. Tell this to a Mother whose child has been diagnosed with cancer, a Mother who has lost her child to SIDS. It is not always ok.
You have said, "It will all work out."
Answer:
Again, how do you know this? You can't guarantee it will. What if it doesn't? What if he never comes home? Truth is, it may NOT all work out. What then?
You have said, "Why aren't you doing something to get him back?"
Answer:
This makes me IRATE! I can not begin to tell you how infuriated I become at this. Do you think I wouldn't do ANYTHING I could to get my sweet boy back? I mean, really? Do you think I love the feeling I have that my heart is being ripped out of my chest and someone has kicked me in the gut and I want to vomit?
You have said, "Why don't you prove her an unfit mother?"
Answer:
Because we have raised her child and provided monetary support for Doctor visits, prescriptions, clothing, etc., we have enabled her to remain a "fit" parent. No, it doesn't make a bit of sense to me, and there is nothing "fit" about someone who says, "I know he would be better off with y'all but he (my child support) is my only means of income" REALLY?, GET A JOB! That is mother of the year material right there.
You have said, "Where is your Faith?"
Answer:
It is in God, the only place it can be; however, He knows I am scared, and angry. I know He has a plan and a purpose in all of this but I can't see it RIGHT THIS MINUTE. I do trust Him, but I want Him to work hurriedly. I want Him to wave a magic wand and fix it!
You have said, "Why would God do this?"
Answer:
God didn't DO this to us. God allowed it to happen. Why? I don't know the answer to that, and I may not ever know the answer to that question but I know that He wants us to trust Him and believe Him and His word. I know that His ways are far wiser and better than MY ways as hard as it may be. There is good that will come out of this.
Ok, I feel better.
What now?
Answer:
I miss that sweet baby boy more and more every day. I don't know what is going to happen. I don't have that answer. I DO know I will continue to trust God and thank Him for His promises. I will delight in the fact that He will never leave me or forsake me and that His mercies are new every morning.
Love you, MUCH!
=],
Sweet Hayden, I miss you so much already.
He spent the night with us Friday and Saturday.
We had a full day in Auburn yesterday and had the most wonderful time.
I must confess and tell you, even though
I LOVE my Auburn Tigers, I really didn't watch much of the game itself.
I do know that we won and though I never thought I'd say it, it really didn't matter.
Yep, I said it.
It didn't matter.
What mattered was the time that we were able to spend with that sweet, sweet boy.
It was an amazing day.
We went to Tiger Walk.
My girls have been to about 9,734 Tiger Walk's in their lifetime and normally they don't want to go and fuss about it A LOT!
We go because Hayden wants to see Aubie up close and personal.
Haley made the comment this past week that if Hayden was able to go to the game with us, she wouldn't complain about having to go to Tiger Walk at all.
Isn't it amazing how things change?
Things we thought mattered so much, really don't matter.
I mean, really.
Yes, we have been to many, many Tiger Walks before; however yesterday there was something so special in sharing it with Hayden yesterday.
Savoring the Moment, as I previously blogged about here.
After Tiger Walk, we threw down a blanket and had a picnic lunch while listening to the Auburn University Marching Band play.
Of course, I do have a few pictures to share with you.
The Magic Touch of Aubie at Tiger Walk
Crazy Hair
I love this picture of Haley and Hayden.
You can really see the love beaming from each of them.
Savor the Moment.
Each and every one.
We are not sure when he will be back or when we will see him again.
I miss him.
No matter what, I am trusting God.
He has a plan and a purpose in all of this, though I may not be able to understand it or see it.
I will trust Him.
Why?
He's never failed me.
He's never let me down.
He's never taken His love from me.
In fact, His love is immeasurable.
His mercies are new every morning.
He hides me in the shadow of His wings.
It's an AMAZING Place to be.
Be merciful unto me, O God, be merciful unto me: for my soul trusteth in thee: yea, in the shadow of thy wings will I make my refuge, until these calamities be overpast. ~Psalms 57:1
My Refuge.
Safe.
Secure.
Who could ask for more?
Love you, MUCH!
=],
SAVOR
transitive verb
1
: to give flavor to : season
2
a : to have experience of : taste
b : to taste or smell with pleasure : relish
c : to delight in : enjoy
Savoring The Moment.
That is EXACTLY what I am doing.
My sweet boy is home, at least for today.
He spent the last night with us and is going to Auburn with us today.
He will be leaving again either tonight or tomorrow.
However, for the next 12 hours or so, I will be wallowing in complete, and utter happiness.
Savoring Each Moment.
Each and every minute.
Each and every hug.
Each and every time he says, "Mom".
Each and every time he takes my hand.
Each and every kiss.
Each and every laugh.
Each and every smile.
Each and every question.
Each and every look in those beautiful green eyes.
Each and every "I Love You".
Each.
And.
Every
Minute.
Savoring Each Moment.
Savor your moments today, Blog Friends.
Love you MUCH!
=],
I want to thank each of you for your sweet comments and for all the prayers prayed on behalf of our Family.
I don't really have much of an update for you.
I have not been able to talk to Hayden, nor have I seen him.
We may be able to see him tomorrow night.
I am trying not to get my hopes up, as my heart can not take any more pain.
Basically, right now, I am pretending as if it won't happen and if it does, it will be a wonderful surprise.
I can now talk about it without crying.
That may not sound like much to you, but believe me, it is a HUGE improvement.
My heart still aches for him.
I want to hear him laugh.
I want to get lost in his beautiful green eyes.
I want to feel his arms around my neck.
I want to know he is ok.
I want him home where he belongs.
I must admit, I still don't know how or what to pray.
Quite honestly, praying for His will is hard for me.
I want what I want.
I want him.
I know that is wrong.
You don't have to tell me that.
I'm thankful for this verse found in Romans.
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints
in accordance with God's will.
~Romans 8:26-27
I am confident the Spirit is interceding on my behalf at this very moment.
For that I am thankful.
Love you MUCH!
=],
Gone.
He's. Gone.
My. baby. boy. is. gone.
My heart is broken.
I am hurt.
Sad.
Angry.
Bitter.
I knew there was a chance this day would come.
I knew it was possible.
Yet, I loved a blond haired, 4 year old with all of my heart.
Now, he has been taken from me.
If you don't remember what is happening or if you're new to my blog, here's what's going on
It would be different if she was any kind of parent at all.
She has no education.
No job.
No home.
It makes me physically ill.
Makes me want to vomit.
Do I blame God?
No.
God has a plan and a purpose in ALL of this.
God knows every tear I've cried and has held them in the palm of His hand.
He knows I am mad.
He knows I am sad.
He knows I don't want to pray for her right now.
He knows I want Him to wave a magic wand and fix it all.
He knows I'd rather not cry myself to sleep every night.
He knows I just want to hold him.
He knows I want to smell him.
He knows I lay in his bed so I can be near him.
He knows I wonder where he is.
He knows I worry about what he's eating.
He knows I don't think I can take this anymore.
He knows I want my baby back.
He knows my heart has no idea I didn't give birth to him.
He knows it ALL.
My bitterness.
My anger.
He still loves me.
I don't know how this will end.
I am trusting God.
That is all I can do.
Love you MUCH!
=],
