Sunday, January 2, 2011

He Had His Hands Where?.....

Today after Church, we decided to have lunch at the Restaurant
loved by many for it's fresh salad bar.

Right after we were seated, a group of ladies came
in and were seated right next to us.

7 of them, to be exact.

The youngest of this group was no less than 70, the oldest 87 or so.

Their appearance spoke money.

Don't you dare......

You've seen it.

You know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.

Ok, where was I?

Each of them spoke with a thick, Southern accent.

If you weren't looking, you could be fooled into thinking a bunch of very classy, very elderly Paula Deen's were at the next table.

They were loud, and each of them spent their fair
share of time fighting to talk over the next.

I must confess, them being loud was ok with me.

I was, after all, trying to listen to what they were saying.

It was like lunch and a show for one small price.

I would loved to have pulled up a chair and joined in.

I kinda felt like I had, only they didn't know it.

The poor waitress was drained trying to get
them to be quiet long enough to order.

Even though they had gone on and on about
their favorite food items there,
once it came to ordering,
they acted like they had never been there before.

A few of them had coupons for "Buy One, Get One Free".

Those that didn't, were highly offended Mr. Postman
had not left one in their mailbox.

They spent a great deal of time trying to figure out how
such an atrocity could occur.

When some of them got up to go to the Salad Bar,
the ones left behind, started having Hors d'oeuvres
made up of each other.

It went something like this....

Eleanor- "I don't know how in the world SHE got one of those
coupons. She doesn't eat here. She never even
gets out of her house except for when her kids come home."

Mabel- "It HAS to be something her daughter signed her up for.
You know, since she married that Doctor, she thinks she is sooooomething else."
**Nose turned high in the air**

Eleanor- "Either that or she is using her credit card a lot.
She may be having to do that."
**Spoken with much hope and satisfaction**
"You know, when you use credit cards,
they sign you up for all sorts of things."

This much I know is true, women of all ages are the same.

At this time, the others rejoin them at the table and an
array of topics fill the air.

Sybil- "How did you all enjoy the Service today?"

Groans erupt from everyone.

Not a good sign for whatever Church they just came from.

I snicker, out loud.

I can't help it.

Dorothy- "Well, I will say it. I didn't enjoy it, at all.
The music was too loud, and the Preacher preached
waaay too long."

"Yes", "You are right", "I agree", from everyone.

Dorothy- "I am not sure what kind of music that was.
I felt like I was at camp, not the Lord's House."

Margaret- "That music has gotten out of hand.
He just thinks he can do whatever he wants.
If Deacon Smith was still alive, this would not be happening."

"Yes", "You are right, "I agree", from everyone.

Faye- "I didn't think Pastor Matthews would ever stop preaching today.
He ran us so late; we almost didn't get a table here."

Eleanor- "Have they taken the clock down from the back of the Church?
We need to check when we are there next week and see
if it is still there. Maybe the battery is dead."

Dorothy- "I thought Pastor Matthews should have
worn gloves for Communion."

Miriam- "I thought so, too"

Sybil- "I really didn't want to partake in Communion after I saw
his hands on the bread. I mean, you never know WHERE his hands
were right before he touched that bread."

No, she did not!

Yes, she did!

What did I do?




I'm sure Pastor Matthews wouldn't appreciate Sybil and her
Blue Hair Gang telling the whole Salad Bar Restaurant
he had his hands, well, wherever......

Miriam- "I saw Dr. Oz on T.V. saying there was truth behind the saying,
"An apple a day, keeps the Doctor away."

Mabel- "Oh, really?"

Miriam- "Yes, that is what he said."

Eleanor- "I guess that means I don't have to feel guilty
for eating apples anymore."

Chorus of "Why would you feel guilty for eating apples?"

Eleanor- "Because there are 100 calories in each of them."

No, women do not change.

Faye- "I eat fried fish."

Gasp, complete silence.

It's like confession.

They all look at her like she has grown 2 heads.

Eleanor- "You kill the nutrients when you fry it."

Faye- "Sometimes, I only believe half that stuff they tell you."

Side note....
Faye is the oldest of the group, I don't think missing
a few nutrients will hurt her at this point.
If you want fried fish, then by all means,
have you some fried fish, Faye.
Heck, have you a whole "mess" of fried fish.

I really don't know exactly how much a "mess" of fish is,
but my Granny use to say it and it seemed like it was always a lot.

Ok, I've digressed.

Our waitress, who by the way, was not wearing a stitch
of make-up and looked like she
just stepped out of a fashion magazine,
came to our table to ask us how everything was.

"It was great!", I said, laughing.

With a huge smile, she said, "The food was really, really good today?"

I said, "The food was great, but the entertainment was priceless.",
nodding my head to the group next to us.

She said, "They have worn me out.", smiling the entire time.


For the record......

1.) This exact scene played out during our lunch today.

2.) I have no idea who these ladies were.

3.) I made these names up completely.

4.) I have no idea what Church they attend.

5.) The name of the Deacon, as well as the Pastor, was changed.

6.) Our waitress really didn't have any
make-up on and was breathtakingly gorgeous.

7.) I easily, could have not liked her,
had she not been so darn sweet.

8.) Their age estimates are correct.

Have a great week, Friends.

I hope the first week of 2011 is as entertaining as my lunch today.

Love you MUCH!


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