Show Me How.....

I'm not really sure why it happened or how it started.

One minute, I'm sitting at my desk, typing away and the next,
I have tears streaming down my face.

I, suddenly, am overwhelmed at this whole situation.

It's just wrong.

To be perfectly honest, it makes me
really mad and really, really sad.

My heart aches.

I want to vomit.

I can't breathe.

There is a war going on inside my head.

I am so hurt and mad, yet, I feel guilty for not
being happy with what I do have and what time I can spend.

Hayden has been here since Sunday, but all I can think about is when
he has to leave and more so, WHY he has to leave.

Why can't I just be happy he's here?

Why can't I just enjoy it?

Why can't I just savor the moment?

Why is my heart overwhelmed?

Why do my eyes well up with tears?

Why do I feel such bitterness?

I see him smile.

I watch him play.

I hear him laugh.

I see how happy he is and I'm sad he has to leave it all.

I tell myself, I'm not gonna do this.

I tell myself, I will be strong.

I tell myself, I. WILL. NOT. CRY.

But....

It doesn't work.

I feel a huge knot in the pit of my stomach, a lump forms in my
throat and tears begin to stream down my face.

I'm praying.

Praying for understanding.

Praying to make sense of it all.

Praying for peace.

I know there is a plan.

I know there is a purpose.

I still can't see it.

I can't make sense of it all.

I wonder, what could be the purpose?

Why does this have to be this way?

Psalm 119:25-32
I'm feeling terrible—I couldn't feel worse!
Get me on my feet again. You promised, remember?
When I told my story, you responded;
train me well in your deep wisdom.
Help me understand these things inside and out
so I can ponder your miracle-wonders.
My sad life's dilapidated, a falling-down barn;
build me up again by your Word.
Barricade the road that goes Nowhere;
grace me with your clear revelation.
I choose the true road to Somewhere,
I post your road signs at every curve and corner.
I grasp and cling to whatever you tell me;
God, don't let me down!
I'll run the course you lay out for me
if you'll just show me how.
~The Message

I'm praying for Him to SHOW ME HOW.

Love you MUCH!

=],